Those big blue eyes give me so much guilt.

I signed up for an early childhood family education open gym where the listing said the purpose of the class is to get kids and their parents actively playing together. I tried it, but before long found myself just conversing with the teachers and watching other parents play with their kids. This is just something I suck at.

My husband is so good at playing with the kids. He will pretend to be a train and let them ride around on his back through the living room. He will pretend to be the monster and chase them, tickling and wrestling them to no end. He will shoot basketballs and build legos and go down slides and mold play-doh with them. This amplifies my guilt. However, he is the one who pointed out the things I do play with the kids that I seem to enjoy. Yes, there are a handful of things I like to do with my kids to get in that quality time which are probably considered playing.

Right now, Lily is really into pretending to be Cat Noir from Miraculous. Not my idea of fun.

Stories

Reading books is my go-to response when I get asked, “Mommy, will you play with me?” Whenever my kid needs some one-on-one time, I’m happy to snuggle up with a story–or five.

Coloring

I’m a big color-er, as you can imagine. I love drawing or painting and I love sharing that experience with my children. This play can be messy, but it is so worth it to join in. Why do you think adult coloring books have become so popular? Coloring with your kids can be relaxing and enjoyable for both parties involved.

Hide and Seek

Usually, when the kids want to play, they don’t want to do something low-key like I do. Hide and seek is a great solution: it provides down time for you while you are counting or hiding, but is rousing enough for the kids.

Puzzles

Puzzles are one of my favorite ways to spend time playing with the kids. They are rarely interested in doing this with me, but when we get started, they really get into it. Puzzles also teach them critical thinking and problem-solving skills, as well as spacial awareness and persistence. I’m happy to sit down and do a puzzle to enlarge my kid’s brain anytime.

Dance Parties

Sometimes your kids just really want to do something active with Mom. Of course, their idea is to jump on the bed until one hits their head against a wall. But one thing active I really like doing is dancing. I even do it by myself sometimes. So whenever my kid is hyper and wanting to play, I turn on their favorite music (Frozen, again!?) and we bust a move.

Besides these five ways to play, I also do chores, bake, learn, swim, walk, cook, and snuggle with my kids. Obviously, there is no shortage of quality time. I just can’t stop chastising myself for not being more playful with my littles, especially after reading this adorable article. After all, they are only young once.

The post 5 Ways to Play With Your Kids For the Mom Who Hates It appeared first on .

Rule 1: One present at a time

We usually let one person at a time open a present. This is an important rule for children to understand each gift means something in and of itself. It makes everyone focus on what each present is and think about why the person who gave the gift might have chosen it. It also gives your child the stage for a bit so they pay more attention to what they are actually opening; all eyes are on them.

Rule 2: You can’t open the next gift until thank yous are completed

The “What’s next” question really bothers me because it implies the child is ungrateful for the gift they already have, they’re just looking for something better. So this year, after one gift is open, appropriate thanks must be given to the giver of the gift before the next gift is opened. Appropriate thank yous involve eye contact, full sentences: “Thank you for the …” and maybe even hugs.

Rule 3: If there is any complaining about a gift you have received, it is taken away.

I haven’t had to deal much with complaining in regards to gifts, but I do know it’s likely to happen this year as my children experience a little more sibling rivalry than when they were younger. I can almost hear my daughter saying, “But I didn’t get as fun of a present as Nick. Mine was just clothes.” There is nothing that grinds my gears more than entitlement. If one of my kids complains about a gift, or heaven forbid, throws a tantrum over not getting something they wanted, I plan to take away that present for at least a week.

You want your kids opening presents to elicit excitement and spark that Christmas magic to spread across their faces. All too often, our picturesque gift opening is tainted by rude behavior and your kids embarrass you with bad manners. Set these rules ahead of time with your kids opening presents and follow through; gracious and polite behavior is rudimentary in teaching your children to be good people. Christmastime is no exception.

The best gifts under the tree.

On a lighter note, I want to welcome you to tour my holiday home if you haven’t already. Come check out all the DIY decor and inspirational ideas for Christmas, I promise you won’t be disappointed. Wishing you and yours a very Merry Christmas this Sunday!

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These two ???? #sibs #love #kiss

A photo posted by Melissa Woods (@melissawoods21) on Aug 12, 2015 at 8:30am PDT

When They Fight, Both Siblings Are Punished

Usually when siblings fight over a toy and argue about an issue, their parent steps in to mediate. Of course as a parent you want to teach your kids the right way to work through disagreements, but quickly a parent realizes their children aren’t solving problems with each other UNLESS they are mediating. A faster way to teach your children to get along is to punish both of them when they fight. Don’t ask what happened or who started it or why they are doing it. Just remove the children from each other and put them both in time out. If the children are both old enough to speak sentences, close them in a room together until they work it out themselves. It is important here to specify that I do this with discretion, depending on the situation. For instance, if one of my children is hitting and the other is trying to talk it out like they’re supposed to, I will only punish the child who hits. More often than not, both siblings are partially at fault for the argument and only punishing the child who starts it creates little tattletales, not cooperative siblings. Which leads me to my next tactic…

When They Tattle, I Refuse to Listen

I read a great book this past summer entitled, “Have a New Kid By Friday” by psychologist Dr. Kevin Leman. Leman equates tattling to name-calling and that makes a lot of sense to me. Tattling is just a way for your child to put down their sibling and make themselves look better in the eyes of their parents. Rewarding your child for tattling is also rewarding a child for mistreating their sibling. When my kids tattle, I refuse to listen. I do exactly what I read about in Leman’s book. He advises saying something like this,

“If you have a problem with your brother, go talk to him. If there’s something that he did, then he should be the one to tell me, not you.”

Don’t act on an indiscretion you only learned about because one of your kids tattled on the other.

When They Don’t Share, The Item is Taken Away

I have to say my kids are really good at sharing with each other. I feel teaching sharing and ownership to my kids is very important and they both know ultimately their toys don’t “belong”to them unless they bought them. They are expected to share their toys and take turns lest Mommy comes and takes the toy away. That’s all you have to do. If they are fighting over a toy, just take the toy away. I don’t plead with my kids to share, I don’t set timers for when to take turns, I don’t make them feel guilty for not being generous.

When They Accomplish Chores, They Must Work Together

My kids do all sorts of chores around our house. One task that is always on the docket is unloading the dishwasher. My kids both help with this, but often they squabble over where to stand or what dishes to hand me first. Sometimes my 2 year old even refuses to help and tries to get off the hook and go play. I do not stand for this behavior. It is SO important your children learn to work together. One child cannot shirk their responsibilities because the other child will do it for them. If my kids are fighting while doing their work, the work still must get done. When the kids do accomplish their chores, whether it be cleaning up their play toys or picking up sticks in the yard, they cheer and celebrate together. It brings them closer when they feel they helped each other achieve something. This tactic will only be more meaningful as your kids get older and they work together to accomplish even more difficult tasks.

When They Play Kindly, They Are Both Rewarded

A big part of disciplining a child is catching them being good. It’s easy to focus on the bad, but you have to remind yourself to use positive reinforcement for the effective tool it is. If I see my kids being extra kind to each other, I always make a big deal out of it. Not only do they get to move their cars forward on their behavior chart, but they get big smiles from Mommy, lots of compliments, and usually a high five or hug. Even if they’ve just been playing quietly for an hour with no disagreements, I still move their cars forward and thank them for being so good to each other. My kids certainly don’t always get along, but because I facilitate sibling friendship in numerous ways, there’s often moments like this:

They melt my heart

A video posted by Melissa Woods (@melissawoods21) on Jun 28, 2015 at 8:39am PDT

Thanks for reading! Come back next Monday when I share a new furniture redo for my daughter’s room.

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It’s probably because I’m surrounded by middle class, well educated folks most of the time. These parents simply want their children to get ahead and they have the money to put them in numerous activities that promise to do just that. But I have a problem with this mentality. I don’t have a problem with scheduling activities for kids, I have a problem with overscheduled kids. Kids who are “never home” and kids who hardly ever have one-on-one time with their parents and kids who feel the pressure to learn so much more than should be expected of them at such a young age. I’m going to outline for you exactly why this is a problem and some dangers I have observed with raising overscheduled kids.

1. They Lack Creativity

Creativity blossoms from boredom. Almost every highly creative person I know had a childhood full of free time to think and free play. Free play is beyond important, especially for children under the age of 5, and it boggles my mind how few children have this in their day. Most of them go to daycare all day with a schedule full of activities, then home where they eat dinner, sit in front of the TV, take a bath, and go to bed. Or, add in some gymnastics and T-ball classes. Sound familiar?

You’re not doing your child any favors by always supplying them with something to do. You can make suggestions and set up fun games and activities every once and while. That is wonderful! But most kids now a days have no idea what to do if their parent just tells them to “go play.” Older kids have very limited hobbies outside of expensive, scheduled, and highly stressful organized sports. This is because their creativity was stifled by an endless amount of entertainment from their TV. Now a days it’s not just the screens, but also the parents who give children endless things to do so they never have to entertain themselves.

Read 5 reasons your kids should stop watching TV

2. Their Relationship With Their Parents is Hindered

There’s not a lot of time for one-on-ones with your parent while you’re so busy. There’s not a lot of time to fight, let alone make up. Interactions with overscheduled kids are usually initiated by the parent because kids don’t always  speak up about important things on their mind until they have the space to do so. Not only that, but think of how many meaningful conversations start in the car on the way to somewhere and get cut short because your child has to get out and go to basketball practice on time.

3. Family Dinners Are Demolished

Stephen and I once had a friend who we hadn’t seen in months come into town. He planned to visit us, but when he heard is Mom was cooking a home-cooked meal for dinner (spaghetti), he bailed on us. He said it had been ages since he could remember sitting down for home-cooked meal with his family and he just couldn’t pass up the chance. It made me realize how fortunate I was to sit down with my family every single night for dinner and eat a meal my mom prepared from scratch for her kids.

Call me old fashioned, but I think spending time as a family at the end of every day is extremely important. Family dinners is one way to accomplish this, but if you have another that works with a hectic activity schedule, the more power to you. But more often I’ve seen families ditch spending time with each other in favor of their kids spending time kicking a ball. Even though you don’t pick the practice times, you do pick the activities. You are choosing to give up your family time by letting your kids be in tons of stuff. Your kids desperately need family time to feel a sense of belonging and support from their parents and siblings–that doesn’t develop the same way on the sidelines.

Watch this touching video from IKEA that outlines exactly that.

4. Overscheduled Kids Are Expensive

This past summer I caved to the pressure and scheduled Lily for a few activities. They were fine, but they weren’t worth the money. It cost $27 for a sports sampler of eight 30 min classes. If I did that four times a year (one activity a season) that would cost me $120. After seeing how little value activities at such a young age provide, I decided to schedule Lily only for activities in the dead of winter when we really struggle with the stir crazies at home. This experience got me thinking about the moms who constantly have each of their children signed up for two, four, or even six community ed classes and after school sports and piano lessons. They must spend hundreds!

And I’m not even going to scratch the surface of the expense when your child gets to be a teenager in competitive sports. Just to keep up, you have to sign your kid up for extra practices, buy them top of the line equipment, and of course they have to play in travel. If they don’t, they won’t stand a chance at being one of the “best” in their sport. It’s not just a matter of time commitment at this point. It’s a monetary commitment that is staggering when you think about what your kid might actually gain from all that versus what they’re giving up. I don’t know what my husband and I will do when our children are that age. Perhaps we will just let them be mediocre, or perhaps we will let them each pick one sport and try to draw limits. It’s a hard thing to swallow.

Not to mention all the money your mini van wastes on gas lugging your kids around.

5. They Are Overwhelmed

An overscheduled kid no doubt feels overwhelmed at times. This can manifest in so many ways. Your preschooler having meltdowns and needing naps again, your preteen feeling inadequate because she’s in so many things she can’t master anything, or your teenager constantly coming down with mono and bronchitis and other serious illnesses. The time commitment in a life that is overscheduled allows little room for homework, household chores, and just relaxing with your family or friends. Kids who are overscheduled learn to manage their time by prioritizing activities over necessities (like keeping a clean room or cooking a healthy meal). This does not set them up with great habits for a healthy life.

In conclusion, I write this article because I want to voice my opposition to the pressures of society to overschedule my kids. I know maybe you think we spend too much time at home, but I think you spend too much time running around with your head chopped off. I want to see less kids who are stressed out and strung along from activity to the next and more children playing on the local playground. I want to see less parents who feel inadequate like I did if their child isn’t in everything. Your child doesn’t need to be in anything and you don’t need to try so hard to help them find their talents and interests. I want to see more balance in our kids’ lives so they end up being capable in more than just the one or two activities they spent their entire childhood on. I want to see more families who spend down time together, not at a planned event or in the car.

Please share if you agree or if this post is relatable to you! Do you struggle to find the balance between enough activities in your kids’ lives and overscheduled stress?

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I work hard at my temper. I write lots of parenting articles on my blog promoting good parenting, and to me, losing control over your temper does not belong in the realm of good parenting. So I try time and again to tame my temper. I have tried tens of tips over hundreds of hours to find tactics that actually work. And it’s not as simple as “Count to 3 in your head” or “Take a deep breath.” The problem with that is, you’re assuming the person with the temper is in control of their emotions enough to stop before yelling and enact this tactic. If you truly have a temper, you know it’s very hard to stop once you’re close to blowing up. The common advice just doesn’t work. So I figure I must not be alone. Learn to control your temper in ways that ACTUALLY work and read on.

1. Write Down the Offense

After every time you yell at your kids, write down why. What did they do? I write down everything that makes me yell after the fact. I do this exercise in bouts, but I should do it all the time because it works. When I start writing down, I usually write about five things a day (this is yelling, not losing it). Within a couple days I’m down to one or two. This is because writing it down holds you accountable. It makes your temper tangible, the same way writing a to-do list makes you more productive.

This is an example of one of my weekly lists.

Once you have a list of the offenses that caused you to yell, you can start to avoid getting into those situations. You can also look for patterns and decipher what they mean. On my list there was lots of “Lily not listening after I asked the same thing 3 times” and “Nick not sitting in time out after I told him to.” These instances exemplify that my kids have a lack of respect for what I say. They don’t take what I say seriously. I think finding this pattern is what helped me determine what causes me to lose my temper above all else, and it was achieved by writing it down.

2. Have Your Words Taken Seriously

I first read about the “Asked and Answered” technique from a blog article on positive parenting solutions. As I just explained, I most commonly lose my temper when I repeat myself numerous times and my kids do not listen. In order to make your words carry more weight, answer the child’s question, then any further pleading or nagging, respond with a simple phrase: “Asked and answered.” Read more about it in the link to the article. Basically you only answer your child once and then repeat “Asked and answered” until they take what you said seriously.

source

I read more about only saying things once in the book “Have A New Kid By Friday” by psychologist Dr. Kevin Leman. He acknowledges the number one reason parents lose their temper is because their words are not respected.

He writes, “If you want your child to take you seriously, say your words only once. Only once. If you say it more than once, you’re implying, ‘I think you’re so stupid that you’re not going to get it the first time, so let me tell you again.’ Is that respectful of your child?”

If you tell your child to clean up their room, do not remind them or yell at them for not doing it immediately. Simply wait until they want something from you (a snack, outside time, etc) and tell them no. They will start to take your words more seriously if you refuse to do anything for them until they have done what you asked of them. These two tactics have tamed my temper IMMENSELY because I’m no longer cajoling my children to listen.

3. Apologize For Losing Your Temper

The type of parent who constantly loses it with their kids is usually an authoritarian. I was raised by a parent like that and I skim the line between authoritarian and authoritative often. One thing an authoritarian can do to control their temper is actually apologize to their child after yelling at them. This is deeply difficult for an authoritarian parent because they are status-oriented, and expect their orders to be obeyed without question simply because they are the parent. Apologizing for any behavior undermines their feeling of authority and makes them feel as though they are giving control to their children by asking them for forgiveness.

But, here’s the thing. Losing your temper is not okay. You obviously are ashamed of it, otherwise you wouldn’t have read this far into my article. If you want respect from your children, you need to respect them. And losing your temper, yelling and screaming at them, is not respectful. Would you feel respected if an adult did that to you? Some day your children will be adults and model the behaviors you taught them. Imagine if you had to apologize to your child every time you yelled at them. If you have a bit of an authoritarian in you like I do, you can bet this hurts your ego enough to get you to stop. I never want to be in a position of asking my child for forgiveness, but I believe losing my temper justifies that. Now I lose my temper a lot less to avoid giving apologies.

The other important thing to remember if you struggle with a temper is that you’re not alone. Learn to control your temper by reaching out to other who have the same goal in parenting their children. Make friends with people who are good at implementing positive parenting and make sure you take their advice as helpful, not judgmental. Every day you live with a temper that puts you in guilt, but it can change if you try. Every day your children have to see the angry version of you. Here’s a bonus tip: take a picture of your angriest face, or even of you yelling. It isn’t flattering, let me tell you.

Is that how you want your kids to remember you?

Feel free to share your thoughts, your struggles, and ask questions. I’m in this blogging business to help others!

Read more parenting articles related to this one:

• Prevent Toddler Temper Tantrums
• 5 Discipline Mistakes
• Handle a Tantrum in Public
• What Defines a Good Parent
• How Your Kids Will Love Bedtime
• Parenting Mindset and Language
• How to Discipline Less

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Use Objective, Not Personal Language

It all started when I read this blog post, that advised parenting language towards children to be objective, not personal. This means you say things like, “Colored pencils go in the container.” Instead of “Will you put the colored pencils away for me?” It goes further to discussing bad behavior with your child. “Hitting is unacceptable behavior,” instead of “You cannot hit.” I thought this would be hard for me to enact, but it hasn’t been all that difficult. And it has made a WORLD of difference with my daughter. When something I say is aimed at her, she immediately gets defensive. If it’s communal “We share in our household” or objective “Toilets are icky and not for playing with,” then she responds positively. This prompted me to make this sign you may remember from a few months back:

This sign helps remind my children how we expect them to behave in a communal way, “In our family we are efficient so it should not take this long to eat supper.”

Changing To a Growth Mindset

I delved deeper into this idea when reading the book “Mindset” by Carol Dweck this summer. It’s basically a self help book, but I took its teaching to heart when it came to raising my kids. The more I read through this book, the more I realized the power of parenting language. Dweck outlined two basic mindsets one can have in life – a fixed or a growth mindset. Just hearing those lumped together, I knew right away I had a fixed mindset.

Reading through her book, I saw so many of my personal flaws highlighted and realized I really didn’t want my kids to grow up with the fixed mindset I possess. Unfortunately, a fixed mindset person tends to raise fixed mindset people because of the words they use. Saying things like, “You are so smart!” implies your child’s intelligence is a fixed trait. What if they flunk something? They will no longer see themselves as smart. Of course, intelligence is not fixed and you can continue to learn and expand your mind as you grow. The book teaches you to to encourage the effort of your child instead of praise the result.

Parenting language in action

My daughter and I work on learning something every day for about 15-30 minutes. We usually do spelling, writing, reading, or math. When we began this routine months ago before I read Dweck’s book, Lily would get frustrated at each mistake and give up quickly. It got to the point where she wouldn’t even try unless I helped her because my help ensured she would get it right. I watched one day as my husband successfully taught Lily the basics of subtraction and held her attention for an entire HOUR after I’d spent days trying to teach her to write her name because she would give up each time after fifteen minutes. What was he doing differently than me?

I was coming at the task with a fixed mindset. When she did something successfully I would say, “Good job! You got it right!” When she got something wrong, I would just be silent, waiting for her to realize her mistake. STILL she felt the pressure to be right, even though I wasn’t acknowledging when she was wrong. It stressed Lily out so much she didn’t want to try. Stephen has a natural growth mindset and was encouraging her effort instead of her success. He responded with “Good work! Let’s try again!” And when she got something wrong, he responded with enthusiasm and delight, “Try again!” Just these small changes in our parenting language turned our little girl from someone who didn’t like being taught by her parents, to a kid who loves to learn.

To sum it up, my parenting language has changed over the last few months in a few ways that have really made a big difference. The words we say to our children shape them in ways we can’t foresee!

• Be objective, not personal. Say, “Furniture is not for climbing,” rather than “Do not climb on the furniture.”
• Use communal phrases to encourage cooperation and belonging. Say, “In our family we are kind and hitting your brother is not kind,” rather than “You should not be hitting your brother, that’s not kind.”
• Work towards a growth mindset and express that in language. “You might feel too slow right now, but you can keep practicing and get faster. You can always improve.”
• Encourage effort rather than praise success. “I’m proud of the effort you put into cleaning your room. It looks like you did your best!”

What do you think of this advice? Do you believe in the power of parenting language? Please share if you agreed with this advice!

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Recently, my husband and I revisited the topic of vaccinating our children with the CDC’s recommended immunization schedule. It was sparked by a documentary I watched by Jeff Hays entitled, “Bought.” It is a really compelling argument against vaccinations. It pretends to be objective, but it doesn’t present one positive thing about getting your child vaccinated, so I would say it is not. After watching the film, it initiated a lot of questions and doubts in my mind. I’ve always been on the fence about vaccinating my kids, mostly because a few of my close family members are “anti-vaxxers” and I believe them to be trustworthy, smart people. My husband, on the other hand, has always been in favor of getting our children vaccinated. Just before my daughter Lily was born three years ago, I began my research into immunizations.

I felt frightened when I would hear that VAERS and theFederal Department of Health and Human Services are incompetent at helping or funding families who have had a documented adverse reaction to a vaccine. Or when I read about the Merck company falsifying the efficacy of their mumps vaccine in clinical trials. What I am searching for is evidence based care for my kids, the same as when I wrote up my birth plan. I want research backed results to help me conclude the best decision for my children. And guess what? After all this time I’ve spent carefully crossing my t’s and dotting my i’s, I’ve come to the same conclusion the CDC has. It is safe and effective and necessary to vaccinate your children on the recommended immunization schedule. Since I don’t pretend to be an expert on the facts, I want to compile a list of reasons to vaccinate using reputable sources and people who ARE experts in the realm of immunizations.

1. The Likelihood Your Child Will Contract A Preventable Illness Is Much Greater Than The Likelihood They Will Experience An Adverse Reaction To Vaccinations.

On the other hand, the overall incidence rate of severe allergic reaction to vaccines is usually placed around one case for every one or two million injections. So, your chances of contracting a preventable disease are significantly higher than complications from a vaccination. I think most take for granted how few people die from measles, mumps, diphtheria, tetanus, whooping cough, and all those illnesses that used to be common.

2. Baby’s Immune System CAN Handle MORE Than the Current Vaccination Schedule

I found this information from the Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia interesting,“Children are exposed to fewer immunologic components (like proteins and sugars [polysaccharides]) in vaccines today than in the past. The table below summarizes the number of proteins and polysaccharides contained in routinely recommended vaccines administered over the past 100 years (click for the table). Although we now give children more vaccines, the actual number of immunologic components in vaccines has declined.”

Publichealth.org says, “Based on the number of antibodies present in the blood, a baby would theoretically have the ability to respond to around 10,000 vaccines at one time. Even if all 14 scheduled vaccines were given at once, it would only use up slightly more than 0.1% of a baby’s immune capacity.”

3. Herd Immunity Is Everything – Especially For The Flu Vaccine

Dr. Walt Orenstein, professor at Emory University and former director of the CDC’s National Immunization Program from 1988-2004, explains it best here:

“There is evidence that influenza vaccination can induce herd immunity, or community protection. What does that mean? It turns out that mathematical modelers can estimate the actual number of transmissions an infectious person with influenza could transmit to if all they came in contact with were susceptible people. Influenza, most estimates, are one and a half to two people. What this means is if I have influenza, and all I come into contact with are susceptible people, I will, on average, transmit to two people, who will in turn each transmit to two people, etc.If we reach an immunity level of 50% in our population, then of my two contacts, one is likely to be immune, and one susceptible. Thus, I would transmit to one person, and instead of growing transmission, it would be flat. If the immunity level goes above 50%, on average, I will transmit to less than one person and transmission will then die out. Since influenza vaccine on average is about 60% effective, and if the herd immunity threshold is 50%, then if we can achieve about an 83-84% vaccine coverage level in most seasons, we can essentially stop influenza transmission. Thus, for influenza, for those of us who are vaccinated, it is particularly important that we advocate with people we come in contact with that they also be vaccinated, since in most influenza seasons, those of us who are vaccinated would have a 40% chance of being vaccinated. Thus, herd immunity, or community protection, is very important to minimize the impact of influenza-caused disease.”

This explanation helped me to understand why getting a flu vaccine has a purpose for everyone, not just those susceptible to complications from the flu (very young & very old).

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1. Busy?  My favorite game for the lazy dad is fetch.

2. Tired?  It’s nuh-nigh-time!

Face it – sometimes you’re just too tired to do something active with your kids.  For me, this typically happens after meals.  I’ll sprawl out on the nursery floor, and ask Lily to put me to bed.  She’ll spend the next 5 minutes finding a blanket and a pillow, “reading” me a story, and tucking me in.  She will then close the door and go in the living room. After about 30 seconds I’ll give out a fake cry and she’ll come in to ask what I need.  I’ll ask for some water, a story, or for her to scare away the monsters, and she’ll spend a couple minutes taking care of it.  Rinse and repeat 5 times before they get bored.

3. Disengaged?  Hide-and-seek.

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Fortunately for me, I was raised on a farm. I was raised with two parents, each from the same small town, who weren’t interested in “city slickers” as my dad calls them. I was raised with sisters who did not compete to be the prettiest or have the nicest clothes and brothers who could care less what their sisters looked like. I was raised to not pay much attention to my looks. I have thought about this a lot since I was a teenager. I have thought about this question: ‘Why do so many women I know have low self-esteem and why am I different?’

To take it a step further, my mother rarely talked about looks. She rarely commented on how we dressed, unless it was not modest enough. She seldom judged our appearance, not telling us whether we looked “good” or “bad.” She never shelled out money for us to get new clothes or professional haircuts, making it clear she felt those were not things worth spending money on. She NEVER commented on our weight or if she felt we were too skinny or plump at different stages in life. My mother rarely told us to fix our hair a certain way or that we looked beautiful all dressed up. Whether we looked pretty or plain, she treated us just the same.

   

5. I limit my daughter’s societal pressure.

If your daughter is in school or older, there’s not much control over what media she is experiencing that constructs her expectations of self image. But if your child is younger, think about what messages she is exposed to. I personally am adverse to princesses and pretty pink products. I don’t mind if my daughter has some of this, but I want to be sure I am not forcing her too much into one gender stereotype. I don’t want princesses being sought after and praised and recognized simply for their beauty (Snow White, Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, etc) as her example. And please, oh please, don’t let your little girl watch the TV show “Toddlers in Tiara’s.”

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