Parenting Language & Mindset

For the last few months I’ve been working hard on my language. Not my swearing–although I shouldn’t do that as often as I do–but my parenting language. The words I choose to say to my children. Some say actions speak louder than words, but sometimes that’s not the case. The words we say to our children can have a lasting impact on them and shape their lives forever.

Use Objective, Not Personal Language

It all started when I read this blog post, that advised parenting language towards children to be objective, not personal. This means you say things like, “Colored pencils go in the container.” Instead of “Will you put the colored pencils away for me?” It goes further to discussing bad behavior with your child. “Hitting is unacceptable behavior,” instead of “You cannot hit.” I thought this would be hard for me to enact, but it hasn’t been all that difficult. And it has made a WORLD of difference with my daughter. When something I say is aimed at her, she immediately gets defensive. If it’s communal “We share in our household” or objective “Toilets are icky and not for playing with,” then she responds positively. This prompted me to make this sign you may remember from a few months back:

This sign helps remind my children how we expect them to behave in a communal way, “In our family we are efficient so it should not take this long to eat supper.”

Changing To a Growth Mindset

I delved deeper into this idea when reading the book “Mindset” by Carol Dweck this summer. It’s basically a self help book, but I took its teaching to heart when it came to raising my kids. The more I read through this book, the more I realized the power of parenting language. Dweck outlined two basic mindsets one can have in life – a fixed or a growth mindset. Just hearing those lumped together, I knew right away I had a fixed mindset.

Reading through her book, I saw so many of my personal flaws highlighted and realized I really didn’t want my kids to grow up with the fixed mindset I possess. Unfortunately, a fixed mindset person tends to raise fixed mindset people because of the words they use. Saying things like, “You are so smart!” implies your child’s intelligence is a fixed trait. What if they flunk something? They will no longer see themselves as smart. Of course, intelligence is not fixed and you can continue to learn and expand your mind as you grow. The book teaches you to to encourage the effort of your child instead of praise the result.

Parenting language in action

My daughter and I work on learning something every day for about 15-30 minutes. We usually do spelling, writing, reading, or math. When we began this routine months ago before I read Dweck’s book, Lily would get frustrated at each mistake and give up quickly. It got to the point where she wouldn’t even try unless I helped her because my help ensured she would get it right. I watched one day as my husband successfully taught Lily the basics of subtraction and held her attention for an entire HOUR after I’d spent days trying to teach her to write her name because she would give up each time after fifteen minutes. What was he doing differently than me?

I was coming at the task with a fixed mindset. When she did something successfully I would say, “Good job! You got it right!” When she got something wrong, I would just be silent, waiting for her to realize her mistake. STILL she felt the pressure to be right, even though I wasn’t acknowledging when she was wrong. It stressed Lily out so much she didn’t want to try. Stephen has a natural growth mindset and was encouraging her effort instead of her success. He responded with “Good work! Let’s try again!” And when she got something wrong, he responded with enthusiasm and delight, “Try again!” Just these small changes in our parenting language turned our little girl from someone who didn’t like being taught by her parents, to a kid who loves to learn.

To sum it up, my parenting language has changed over the last few months in a few ways that have really made a big difference. The words we say to our children shape them in ways we can’t foresee!

• Be objective, not personal. Say, “Furniture is not for climbing,” rather than “Do not climb on the furniture.”
• Use communal phrases to encourage cooperation and belonging. Say, “In our family we are kind and hitting your brother is not kind,” rather than “You should not be hitting your brother, that’s not kind.”
• Work towards a growth mindset and express that in language. “You might feel too slow right now, but you can keep practicing and get faster. You can always improve.”
• Encourage effort rather than praise success. “I’m proud of the effort you put into cleaning your room. It looks like you did your best!”

What do you think of this advice? Do you believe in the power of parenting language? Please share if you agreed with this advice!