Facilitate Sibling Friendship
This last week I shared my New Years resolutions as a mom and touched on a goal I felt deserved further examination. I wrote that I wanted to facilitate sibling friendship, and as I began to elaborate on what I meant, I thought of all the ways I actively try to nurture a positive relationship between my children. There are many tactics I do that one might not think of at first. I facilitate sibling friendship between my kids by putting most of the responsibility on them to be good to each other. I see it working already, even in my young children (ages 2 & soon to be 4).
When They Fight, Both Siblings Are Punished
Usually when siblings fight over a toy and argue about an issue, their parent steps in to mediate. Of course as a parent you want to teach your kids the right way to work through disagreements, but quickly a parent realizes their children aren’t solving problems with each other UNLESS they are mediating. A faster way to teach your children to get along is to punish both of them when they fight. Don’t ask what happened or who started it or why they are doing it. Just remove the children from each other and put them both in time out. If the children are both old enough to speak sentences, close them in a room together until they work it out themselves. It is important here to specify that I do this with discretion, depending on the situation. For instance, if one of my children is hitting and the other is trying to talk it out like they’re supposed to, I will only punish the child who hits. More often than not, both siblings are partially at fault for the argument and only punishing the child who starts it creates little tattletales, not cooperative siblings. Which leads me to my next tactic…
When They Tattle, I Refuse to Listen
I read a great book this past summer entitled, “Have a New Kid By Friday” by psychologist Dr. Kevin Leman. Leman equates tattling to name-calling and that makes a lot of sense to me. Tattling is just a way for your child to put down their sibling and make themselves look better in the eyes of their parents. Rewarding your child for tattling is also rewarding a child for mistreating their sibling. When my kids tattle, I refuse to listen. I do exactly what I read about in Leman’s book. He advises saying something like this,
“If you have a problem with your brother, go talk to him. If there’s something that he did, then he should be the one to tell me, not you.”
Don’t act on an indiscretion you only learned about because one of your kids tattled on the other.
When They Don’t Share, The Item is Taken Away
I have to say my kids are really good at sharing with each other. I feel teaching sharing and ownership to my kids is very important and they both know ultimately their toys don’t “belong”to them unless they bought them. They are expected to share their toys and take turns lest Mommy comes and takes the toy away. That’s all you have to do. If they are fighting over a toy, just take the toy away. I don’t plead with my kids to share, I don’t set timers for when to take turns, I don’t make them feel guilty for not being generous.
When They Accomplish Chores, They Must Work Together
My kids do all sorts of chores around our house. One task that is always on the docket is unloading the dishwasher. My kids both help with this, but often they squabble over where to stand or what dishes to hand me first. Sometimes my 2 year old even refuses to help and tries to get off the hook and go play. I do not stand for this behavior. It is SO important your children learn to work together. One child cannot shirk their responsibilities because the other child will do it for them. If my kids are fighting while doing their work, the work still must get done. When the kids do accomplish their chores, whether it be cleaning up their play toys or picking up sticks in the yard, they cheer and celebrate together. It brings them closer when they feel they helped each other achieve something. This tactic will only be more meaningful as your kids get older and they work together to accomplish even more difficult tasks.
When They Play Kindly, They Are Both Rewarded
A big part of disciplining a child is catching them being good. It’s easy to focus on the bad, but you have to remind yourself to use positive reinforcement for the effective tool it is. If I see my kids being extra kind to each other, I always make a big deal out of it. Not only do they get to move their cars forward on their behavior chart, but they get big smiles from Mommy, lots of compliments, and usually a high five or hug. Even if they’ve just been playing quietly for an hour with no disagreements, I still move their cars forward and thank them for being so good to each other. My kids certainly don’t always get along, but because I facilitate sibling friendship in numerous ways, there’s often moments like this:
A video posted by Melissa Woods (@melissawoods21) on
Thanks for reading! Come back next Monday when I share a new furniture redo for my daughter’s room.
