Raise a Daughter With High Self-Esteem
Don’t let the title of this post fool you, I do not know how exactly to accomplish this task. I have no sure-fire way of knowing whether my ideas will in fact result in a daughter with high self-esteem. This post is better deemed a hypothesis. I have a hypothesis about the way I was raised: the way society raised me, the way my parents raised me, and the way my siblings raised me. I have a hypothesis about how I want to raise my daughter because of the way I was raised that will hopefully produce a woman with high self-esteem, like me.
As I was growing up, I was subtly bombarded with society’s brainwashing as a young girl. Most of you know what I’m talking about. The make up marketing, the Photoshopped perfection, the gender stereotypes, the list goes on. Society taught me to care deeply about my image because somehow it translated to my self worth. Truthfully, this idea stems from an industry’s desire to exploit young women’s insecurities by convincing them they aren’t beautiful and profiting from selling them the “cure” that will make them beautiful. I heard the message, “Products make you pretty” loud and clear.
 Fortunately for me, I was raised on a farm. I was raised with two parents, each from the same small town, who weren’t interested in “city slickers” as my dad calls them. I was raised with sisters who did not compete to be the prettiest or have the nicest clothes and brothers who could care less what their sisters looked like. I was raised to not pay much attention to my looks. I have thought about this a lot since I was a teenager. I have thought about this question: ‘Why do so many women I know have low self-esteem and why am I different?’ |
The answer to this question is complicated. But, if I needed to pinpoint one main reason I never let main stream media stain my self worth, it is this: my mother’s attitude towards self image. My mother is a very down-to-earth woman. She never wears makeup, never dyes her graying hair, never uses products to deter wrinkles, never goes tanning, never watches what she eats, never measures her weight on a scale, never tries to impress with looks, never fakes to be someone she’s not. Although I might be guilty of all those things, deep down I know it’s okay not to care about them because of my mother’s example.
 To take it a step further, my mother rarely talked about looks. She rarely commented on how we dressed, unless it was not modest enough. She seldom judged our appearance, not telling us whether we looked “good” or “bad.” She never shelled out money for us to get new clothes or professional haircuts, making it clear she felt those were not things worth spending money on. She NEVER commented on our weight or if she felt we were too skinny or plump at different stages in life. My mother rarely told us to fix our hair a certain way or that we looked beautiful all dressed up. Whether we looked pretty or plain, she treated us just the same. |
I’m choking up just writing this and for two good reasons. One is that words cannot express how grateful I am for my mom’s gift of a good example. She taught me looks are not important for your self worth by showing me that through her actions, not just telling me. Two is that understanding the main reason I have high self-esteem puts a tremendous weight on my shoulders now that I have a daughter. I want my daughter to become a woman who understands the profound beauty in loving yourself regardless of how you look. I think a lot of my daughter’s self image will be a reflection of what she sees from her role model, me.
So, since my daughter Lily is almost three and starting to understand gender differences and at the beginning of societal pressure, I have put forth some rules for myself to set the example I want to be.
1. I tell my daughter she is beautiful at unexpected times.
It’s hard for me to refrain from telling Lily she is beautiful the way my mom did for me. I think Lily is beautiful almost every time I look at her. But often we only communicate that when the girl goes above and beyond, fixing their hair nice and wearing a great outfit. I make sure to tell Lily she is beautiful when she just wakes up with bed head or is covered in mud from playing outside.
All dolled up or not, my baby is beautiful to me.
2. I do not criticize my daughter’s body.
I make a conscious effort to never state anything about Lily’s body in front of her. I don’t talk about her bent toe, her big birthmark, or her hairy back. Even if she doesn’t assume I’m mentioning them because I think they are bad, society will eventually get to her and tell her they are bad. I want to avoid being the one who unintentionally points out “flaws” that are not really flaws at all.
3. I let my daughter have some control over her image.
I’m a bit of a control freak. It’s hard for me to let my two year old pick out mismatched clothes and wear her bangs in her face. I try to let her decide at least one thing to wear each day and what hair style she wants. If I feel the need to decide her looks, I always give her a practical, not image based reason for why. I say, “I would like to put a pony tail in to hold your hair out of your face so it doesn’t get covered in food when you eat.”
4. I limit her exposure to my daily routine.
Each day I spend twenty minutes putting on makeup, doing my hair, and dressing. When Lily had just turned two, she became interested in playing with my makeup and pretending to apply it. I realized it was because she often watched me spend time doing this. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with my routine, but I don’t know if my daughter is old enough to understand how lightly I take it. If I do it every day, perhaps she thinks it is necessary? So now I go makeup free some days and limit her exposure to my daily routine. Now I usually get ready for the day while she’s busy eating breakfast.
5. I limit my daughter’s societal pressure.
If your daughter is in school or older, there’s not much control over what media she is experiencing that constructs her expectations of self image. But if your child is younger, think about what messages she is exposed to. I personally am adverse to princesses and pretty pink products. I don’t mind if my daughter has some of this, but I want to be sure I am not forcing her too much into one gender stereotype. I don’t want princesses being sought after and praised and recognized simply for their beauty (Snow White, Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, etc) as her example. And please, oh please, don’t let your little girl watch the TV show “Toddlers in Tiara’s.”
