The Most Important Parenting Lesson
At one point while we were engaged, Stephen said he worried about marrying me because he knew I would love our kids more than anything. I remember being taken aback by this statement, thinking, ‘Of course I will love our kids more than anything, they are my own sweat and blood!’ Then Stephen asked something that made me stop and think, “Even more than me?”
My husband taught me a very valuable lesson that day in 2010. I would argue the most important lesson in parenting: you should love your partner above all else. Your relationship with your partner should be the center of your focus and energy. You should be exceedingly forgiving, patient, attentive, and loving toward your spouse. I bet you’re thinking I must be a fool. Who would give so much of themselves to someone else? Replace the subject from spouse to children. Now I’m guessing you think I am a hero.
I think Stephen was right when he assumed I would love our children more than him. If we had not had that conversation four years ago, our married life would be a lot different. I think back to this epiphany he granted me often. I can tell on a daily basis how healthy our relationship is stems from loving each other first. He changed my perspective about how to be the best parent I can be.
Parenting is full of hard decisions. Having your spouse be there to help you make those decisions, to bounce ideas off of, to keep you in check when your emotions run high, to give you a break, to suggest an alternative perspective or solution, and to just rub your feet at the end of the day is an even greater gift than your children. That person who has pledged their life to you did it by choice, not by blood relation. They love you unconditionally because of who you are, not because they are dependent on you. Your spouse can also abandon you, divorce you, throw you away. Your children will always be your children, but your spouse does not always have to be your spouse.  |
I was once close to a 50-something woman who had been divorced for 17 years. She now had three children in their late 20’s who were still struggling with the emotional scars their parent’s divorce had left on their preteen hearts. I remember telling her this lesson when I learned it and her eyes teared up. She said she has always loved her children above all else and thought that made her the best mother. She said it pained her to see her children still feel that wasn’t enough and visit their father often. She confirmed this theory explaining that her husband felt emotionally neglected in their marriage and ran off with her best friend.
Obviously, there is more to a divorce than one feeling emotionally neglected and giving up. I’m not at all saying their divorce was her fault. What I’m saying is that this society we live in not only downplays the importance of marriage, but makes being a patron to your children the most important part of becoming a parent. There are less and less successful marriages to be examples for our kids. Having divorced parents and broken families is the norm. Perhaps if we changed where our efforts lie, things would be different. I believe my children will benefit more from the left-over love between two parents than all the love from one.
